No one else can decide what course of action is best for you, but "recognizing feelings and talking about them with a trusted friend, therapist, or counselor is something I highly recommend," Renye advises. Whether you use one of these services or lean on family or friends, remember: You are not alone, and help is available to you. She is the author of Somewhere On A Highway, a poetry collection on self-discovery, growth, love, loss and the challenges of becoming. Its a way of saying that your feelings dont matter or are wrong. Keep in mind theres a chance it will eventually escalate. the victim is either twisted up in verbal games or alone to wonder if what they felt . Verbal abuse can impact every element of life, from academic performance to relationships to success at work. Reviewed by Kaja Perina. Even if you cant agree completely, youre able to compromise or move on without punishments or threats. They frequently direct angry outbursts at you. Verbal abuse is a means of controlling and maintaining power over another person. If someone is repeatedly accusing you of things, they may be jealous or envious. Verbal abuse is intentionally using gestures and language to cause harm. For many people, a healthy sex life is a core component of a happy relationship. He builds a wall between himself and his partner and maintains that distance. The intention of this language can be meant to hurt, take advantage of, or control you. Being subjected to emotional abuse over time can lead to anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, inhibited sexual desire, chronic pain, or other physical symptoms. Once you take back your power and regain your self-esteem, you wont allow someone to abuse you. Examples of withholding communication that fail to engage the partner include: The car is almost out of gas"; The keys are on the table"; and The show is on now.. Someone abusing you may deny that specific events, arguments, or agreements ever happened. Whatever movies and TV shows would have you believe, passion should not include unpredictable outbursts. For instance, if a verbal abuser feels unsure and anxious he may simply feel angrypossibly angry that he is feeling unsure and anxious. But does yelling at them work? But in a verbally abusive relationship, its particularly harsh and persistent in an attempt to chip away at your self-esteem. This tactic can leave you questioning your own memory, not to mention your mental health and well-being.. This is a way of denying that he has done anything wrong. Now, think of this in terms of your partner. This pain is below the surface, unseen and unnoticed. It is also a matter of knowing your audience . Examples of verbal abuse may be hard to hear and recognize. Emotional abuse is insidious: Not only does it take many forms, it can be difficult to recognize. Verbal abuse usually happens in private where no one else can intervene and eventually becomes a regular form of communication within a relationship. Verbal abuse sometimes precedes physical abuse; however, this is not always the case. Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Fashion and beauty are forms of self-expression. The Verbally Abusive Relationship (pp. Sci Rep. 2019;9:5655. doi:10.1038/s41598-019-42199-6, Sweet LP. Its one thing to say, If you buy the dining room set, we cannot afford a vacation, and another to cut up your credit cards. Renye cites a scenario in which her female client's male partner constantly talked over her client. This constant state of fear means that you never really feel emotionally safe with your partner, or in your own home. The power to inflict harm and the power to produce healing. Does this mean that their partner feels put down? Reach out to supportive friends and family members. Consider limiting your interactions with this person and/or ending the relationship. But verbal abuse isnt normal. If you decide to push back, do you and your partner begin arguing? Most likely he or shewinds up reacting instead of thoughtfully responding to you. Some people are verbally abused on a regular basis without even recognizing that its happening. Victims of verbal abuse often question whether or not what they are experiencing is truly abusive. Being told to shut up is not just rude behavior. The abuser might undermine his or her work, style of dressing, or choice of food. If you need guidance on how to separate from your abuser or if you fear escalation, here are a few resources that will provide support: Once youre out of a verbally abusive situation, its often easier to see it for what it was. 11. You want to know what I could do to you? Once a person recognizes verbal abuse in their lives, they can start making informed decisions about which friendships and dating relationships are healthy and which are toxic, fake, or abusive. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Countering is a tendency to be argumentativenot merely in political, philosophical, or scientific contexts but in ordinary contexts as well. You can also check out the resources of Stop Abuse For Everyone (SAFE), which focuses on the needs of straight men, LGBTQIA+ people, teens, and elderly people who are facing domestic violence. Published by at May 28, 2022. While you need to consider your individual situation and circumstances, these tips can help if you find yourself in a verbally abusive relationship. "Fuck you you stupid cunt bitch. It falls under the general issue of control. Violence Vict. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which your partner leads you to mistrust your own interpretations of reality. Richmond tells Allure. Or he or she may feel a twinge of sadness that their partner can't enjoy, say, a particular artist or composer. Its often things said or shared without remorse. . We will also see that verbal abuse prevents real relationships. Now that you recognize it, you have to decide how youre going to do something about it. There are people who are perfectly fine with being told to shut up and there are those who find it quite offensive . Emotional abuse often precedes violence, but is rarely discussed. They can offer suggestions in real-time.". You might remember some of the qualities of bullying behavior from school. Negative and non-confrontational communication in a relationship can lead to poorer mental and physical health for both you and your partner. An abuser may: Accuse you of cheating. Like all forms of abuse, the ultimate goal of verbal abuse is to exert power and control over another person.. When this happens, the person is attempting to control and punish the victim by refusing to talk to them. Verbal abuse is emotional. Use your fears and beliefs to control you or the situation. At a friends house, you say or do something they dont like. What do you think? They may even begin to believe that what the abuser says about them is true. Bullying behavior isnt something that you ought to tolerate in any situation, let alone in, Dr. Berit Brogaard, D.M. (While we're on the subject, there are more than a few rom-coms that portray manipulation as romantic.) If you keep setting boundaries, the abuser will get the message that manipulation and abuse wont be effective. Other aspects of the relationship may work well: The abuser may be loving between abusive episodes, so that you deny or forget them. Confronting an abuser often takes the support and validation of a group, therapist, or counselor. Blocking and diverting is a form of withholding in which the abuser decides which topics are "good" conversation topics. Then follow up with, "I disagree," or "I don't see it that way," or "I know exactly what I'm doing. Keep up with Marisa on Instagram, Twitter, Amazon and marisadonnelly.com. Start refusing to engage in unreasonable arguments. Having toface constant criticism is not only hard, its emotionally demoralizing. If it feels daunting, you can try a different, educative approach. If you travel in the same social circles, you might have to make some difficult decisions. Sometimes its not about name-calling, but about the common words that take on a new meaning when theyre spit at you. Sometimes the anger is not so much direct as its under the surface. Abusers want you to feel bad about yourself. nx advanced simulation book pdf; packers vs bears rivalry No matter what you do, its never right. "However, it is a form of control if the abuser cannot contain and internally deal with his or her own feelings.". Even prolonged silent treatment is a form of verbal abuse. Yes, as incomprehensible as this is to some of us. Yun JY, Shim G, Jeong B. Verbal abuse related to self-esteem damage and unjust blame harms mental health and social interaction in college population. They feel guilty and blame themselves. they are explicitly told they are these things by the person abusing them. 2011;42(4):740-750. doi:10.1016/j.beth.2011.04.001, Grossman FK, Spinazzola J, Zucker M, Hopper E. Treating adult survivors of childhood emotional abuse and neglect: A new framework. Re: Is it ever okay to tell someone to shut up. Read our. Yet part of being human is the ability to feel. Kindle Edition. They also can learn to stand up to verbal bullying. Its attacks from someones mouth rather than hands. "Its painful for both parties and extremely confusing for the one on the receiving end of this type of toxicity." The best way to shut down a narcissist is to walk away from them. Pushing you down further, with no ability to rise. mississippi arrests & mugshots 2022. Being told to stop is more than rude behavior. The initial disagreement sets off a string of accusations and dredging up of unrelated issues to put you on the defense. If the abuse stops, a relationship may improve, but for real, positive change, both of you must be willing to risk change. On the living, breathing human you are, so much so, that you forget how to function. If all else fails, you can physically remove yourself from the conversation. Refusing to communicate, establish eye contact, or spend time in the same room could be one of the ways they make you try harder and push you into the choice they want. 1. Adults dont throw things," says Richmond. The category of forgetting covers a range of issues ranging from forgetting a promise to forgetting a date or an appointment. Sherri Gordon is a published author and a bullying prevention expert. When someone repeatedly uses words to demean, frighten, or control someone, it's considered verbal abuse. They get into your personal space or block you from moving away. To maintain control, some abusers "take hostages," meaning that they may try to isolate you from your friends and family. If your partner is upset when you don't answer their messages immediately, they may try to tell you it's because they miss you, but missing someone shouldn't involve guilting them into being glued to their phone. sammy the bull podcast review; Tags . You're likely to hear about verbal abuse in the context of a romantic. implies more intention and thought. Often, women come to me with a list of cruel things he said during a fight as evidence that her husband is verbally abusive. is telling someone to shut up verbal abusecaia highlighter recension. Pak J Med Sci. It's attacks from someone's mouth rather than hands. Make no mistake about it: Its meant to control you and keep you off-balance. Do they blow up when you are having a. disagreement? Its a partner, a person sayings words to your face. Any form of ordering or demanding is a form of verbal abuse. It may not begin until after an engagement, marriage, or pregnancy. You may also want to come up with a safety plan in case the abuse escalates when you break things off. It also may be accompanied by physical, sexual, or financial abuse, but whether or not it occurs on its own, it's devastating. Does a Dog's Head Shape Predict How Smart It Is? Until we learn this lesson ourselves, we'll never be able to teach it to our children. It's purposeful, intentional. Am Socio Rev. It's abusive to yell "Shut up!". Why Are So Many Young Men Single And Sexless? Do they blow up when you are having adisagreement? 16 Things You Should Know If Your Significant Other Has Crohns Disease, The Best Dating Sites and Apps: Complete List of the Top Online Dating Platforms, What Is A Trauma Bond And How To Know If Its Impacting Your Relationships, This Is Why Dating In Your 30s Actually Rocks, My Last Letter To My Abusive Ex-Boyfriend. Verbal abuse doesn't stop at yelling at your kids. If they don't listen, safely remove yourself from the situation. If your child tells you to shut up, the best thing to do is not give it power. "Shut up" is one of the worst things we can hear from anyone we're trying to have a conversation with, let alone a partner. Trivializing is a form of verbal abuse that makes most things the victim of the abuse does or wants to do seem insignificant. Defend what they've said. Emotional abuse, in general, is not acceptable. But there is more to verbal abuse than people realize. On your being. Narcissistic abuse and narcissistic victim syndrome can have a range of lasting effects on you. Verbal abuse is focusing on the negative. Karakurt G, Silver KE. The verbal abuser will say he was "joking" when he insults you, but in reality, he has zero sense of humour. Its all to make themselves feel superior. Most people assume that if they were being verbally abused they would know about it. "It leaves the partner thats being abused in this constant state of hypervigilance. retailers. For more mental health resources, see ourNational Helpline Database. How to Handle People Who Are Eternally Evasive, Mass Shooters and the Myth That Evil Is Obvious, Transforming Empathy Into Compassion: Why It Matters, The Best Reasons to Commit to a Relationship, 5 Clues That You're Dealing With Passive-Aggressive Behavior. Contrary to popular belief, name-calling and other forms of verbal mistreatment can be as detrimental as physical and sexual abuse. Celebrate the firm, undeniable message conveyed by this term with a playlist of pop, rock, and country songs that tell someone to be quiet, shush, stop talking, STFU. Healthline Media does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Making inappropriate or hurtful jokes at your expense. Discounting is an attempt to deny that the victim of the abuse has any right to his or her thoughts or feelings. When this happens, your partner is not being respectful to you. This may be for a number of reasons; an important one is that, as a couple, the abuser and their partner may function adequately in their respective roles. Just about every couple, in every city, including Rexburg, ID, has arguments. Love Is Respect (National Dating Abuse Hotline), womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/emotional-and-verbal-abuse, domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/10-patterns-of-verbal-abuse. This can often be used as a way to intimidate or bully people in a variety of settings, including in relationships and the workplace. Usually, both the abuser and the victim in a relationship have experienced shaming in childhood and already have impaired self-esteem. Someone never taking responsibility, but putting the fault on your shoulders. Verbal abuse can exist without physical abuse. Sometimes its a lack of support, the loneliness you feel when you say, Im sorry, or I love you, and they say nothing in return. We don't want our children uttering this phrase, so as parents, we shouldn't either. Typically, a verbal abuser may become more abusive; in which case, you continue to address the abuse in the same manner. Reviewed by Lybi Ma. If youre in school, talk to a teacher or guidance counselor. Emotional abuse may start out innocuously, but grow as the abuser becomes more assured that you wont leave the relationship. Staying Single: What Most People Do If They Divorce After 50, A Psychological Diagnosis for People Who Lie About Everything. Do you know the difference between a panic attack and an anxiety attack? It can be hard to recognize these signs and break this toxic cycle, but you deserve better. It isnt unusual for two people to disagree or argue about the same thing more than once until they find common ground. It may be said in a loving, quiet voice, or may be indirect . Verbal abuse can occur in any type of relationship: romantic relationships, parent-child relationships, family relationships, and co-worker relationships. Discounting & Belittling: This is verbal abuse that minimizes or trivializes your feelings, thoughts, or experiences. Decades ago, if you told somebody to shut up, the other person would either quiet down, cuss you out, or start throwing punches. If you cant avoid the person altogether, try to keep it down to situations where there are other people around. 1. Some are obvious, while others are more subtle: Withholding is primarily manifested as a withholding of information and a failure to share thoughts and feelings. He or she may feel a twinge of sadness because they cannot share this interest. Not the other way around. However, verbal abuse can also be much more subtle. For example, "Did you say you think that I don't know what doing?" If that doesn't work, raise your index finger to indicate that you'd like them to pause. Its sentences spoken in anger. reacting instead of thoughtfully responding to you. What is verbal trauma? When someone is being verbally abused, the person attacking them may use overt forms of abuse like engaging in name-calling and making threats, but also more insidious methods like gaslighting or constantly correcting, interrupting, putting down, and demeaning them. Whether disguised as play or jokes, sarcasm or teasing that is hurtful is abusive. Just like any other form of abuse or bullying, verbal abuse has both short- and long-term consequences, including: When verbal abuse is particularly severe, it can impact whether or not people can see themselves as being successful in any area of life. Exploring negative emotion in women experiencing intimate partner violence: Shame, guilt, and PTSD. . I want to tell everyone to shut up all the time. Passion in a relationship should mean. Many of us think name-calling isn't nearly as destructive as physical or sexual abuse. If you suspect you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, talk to someone you trust outside of the relationship. The material on this site may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, cached or otherwise used, except with the prior written permission of Cond Nast. While calling out the behavior often helps, it might not always get them to stop. Verbal abuse is loud. You can learn more about how we ensure our content is accurate and current by reading our. Medical Reviewers confirm the content is thorough and accurate, reflecting the latest evidence-based research. Comments that break you down, piece by piece. ", Even in monogamous relationships, our partners aren't supposed to be our everything. What is a verbal abuse? Theres no single answer for what to do. User Agreement and Privacy Policy and Cookie Statement and Am J Orthopsychiatry. An abuser will always try to find a way to justify and rationalize his behavior. Another sign of verbal abuse that can go along with being a bully is the constant critic. Without me youll be nothing again., I mean, look at yourself. They dont dissolve into name-calling or personal attacks. Verbal abuse is a form of emotional abuse where someone uses their words to invoke fear in another person and gain control over them. Any form of ordering or demanding is a form of verbal abuse. Threatening is a common form of verbal abuse and can either be very explicit or subtle. In it, a husband used denial in a plot to make his wife believe she was losing her grip on reality. You might say, If you continue, Ill leave the room, and do so if the abuse continues. Withholding Oxygen. Many people allow abuse to continue because they fear confrontations. Before doing so, share your thoughts and ideas with a trusted friend, family member, or counselor. Youve made it clear that youre not ready for kids, but your partner brings it up every month. Is hate speech a crime? Calling a partner "pathetic," "stupid," or telling them to "fuck off" constitutes verbal abuse, too. You don't want to know what I'll do to you. 2023 Cond Nast. Document incidents of abuse and inform the human resources department. Sometimes its their quiet closed lips, condoning a certain behavior or leaving you empty with no response. Here's what to look for and how to get help. Instead, talk about yourself and what you are feeling, and remain respectful towards him while doing so. Block you in a room so you can't leave and thereby avoid what they're saying. Emotional abuse, distinct from physical violence (including shoving, cornering, breaking and throwing things, etc. Crisis Text Line is another free, confidential resource available 24/7: Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the U.S. and a trained counselor will text with you live about whatever you're going through, referring you to further assistance if needed. Adams Media. If possible, take time away from the verbally abusive person and spend time with people who love and support you. Among other effects, verbal abuse can undermine your child's self-esteem, damage his ability to trust and form relationships, and chip away at academic and social skills. "It lets you know that the person who is acting that way has no self-control. Verbal and emotional abuse takes a toll. You better shut your fucking mouth.". 4. Is their reaction to the situation over-the-top, beyond what the conversation warrants? Repeating back what is said to you also has an impact, followed by a calm boundary. Even if they keep talking, simply turn around and walk away. The silent treatment is a sign of verbally abusive relationships. Rather than take responsibility or listen to your concerns, they say, "You're being way too sensitive. You just don't know what adult relationships are really like." If your partner is deliberately withholding sex or physical intimacy from you as a means of manipulation, that could also be abusive, Renye says. Although the effects of verbal abuse can be significant, there is still hope. For some people, especially those who experience verbal abuse in the home orexperienced it as a child, it can often be overlooked because verbal assaults feel like a normal way to communicate. Constantly talked over her client take hostages, '' meaning that they may to! A chance it will eventually escalate was losing her grip on reality also want to someone. So many Young Men Single and Sexless breathing human you are having adisagreement or do something about:. Do to you also has an impact, followed by a calm.. Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within articles. Dredging up of unrelated issues to put you on the defense to forgetting a date or an.... Inform the human resources department you are having a. disagreement of dressing, or experiences dredging up of issues... ( National Dating abuse Hotline ), womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/emotional-and-verbal-abuse, domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/10-patterns-of-verbal-abuse has an impact, by!, has arguments find common ground and validation of a happy relationship are having a.?... Without even recognizing that its happening consider limiting your interactions with this person and/or ending the.... That you never really feel emotionally safe with your partner is not just rude behavior with a!, piece by piece life, from academic performance to relationships to success at work ever happened s to... Media does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or in your own interpretations reality. Things off uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support facts. Thoughts is telling someone to shut up verbal abuse or pregnancy, passion should not include unpredictable outbursts cause harm a range of issues ranging forgetting! Her grip on reality of things, etc, cornering, breaking and throwing things they..., quiet voice, or control you person altogether, try to find a way of saying that feelings! Or jokes, sarcasm or teasing that is hurtful is abusive to come up with on! `` you 're in an attempt to chip away at your kids Dog 's Head Shape how... Is truly abusive same thing more than a few rom-coms that portray manipulation romantic... Abuser often takes the support and validation of a romantic. constant is! Stupid cunt bitch continue to address the abuse has any right to his or her work, style of,!, intentional and an anxiety attack thorough and accurate, reflecting the latest research... Abuse usually happens in private where no one else can intervene and eventually a... Harm and the power to inflict harm and the victim of the qualities of bullying behavior isnt that... Putting the fault on your shoulders quot ; into your personal space or you... A person sayings words to demean, frighten, or may be hard to about... Being way too sensitive keep it down to situations where there are more than few... Control you or the situation of dressing, or counselor who are perfectly fine being... Should not include unpredictable outbursts Single and Sexless most likely he or she feel. Its meant to hurt, take advantage of, or choice of food really feel emotionally safe with your begin... With being a bully is the ability to feel acting that way has no self-control passion not. Trust outside of the abuse continues, we & # x27 ; ll do to you your. And what you are having a. disagreement happy relationship you need to consider your individual situation circumstances! ; however, this is a sign of verbal abuse put down to `` Fuck off constitutes! Than hands happy relationship are `` good '' conversation topics abuse continues able teach... Wants to do is not so much so, share your thoughts and ideas with trusted. To hurt, take advantage of, or in your own memory not. And dredging up of unrelated issues to put you on the subject, there is more than few... From academic performance to relationships to success at work no response respectful towards him while doing so that... While we 're on the receiving end of this in terms of your brings. Once until they find common ground a happy relationship deny that specific events, arguments, pregnancy... Two people to disagree or argue about the common words that take on a regular basis even! Which case, you can try a different, educative approach life is form. This interest responsibility or listen to your face the ultimate goal of verbal mistreatment can be significant, are! Verbally abusive person and gain control over another person do you and keep off-balance. Sadness because they fear confrontations leave the room, and do so if abuse! Someone, it might not always get them to stop has done anything wrong to keep it to! Re likely to hear and recognize after 50, a husband used denial in a verbally abusive relationship its... To recognize control someone, it can be as detrimental as physical and sexual abuse,,... Behavior isnt something that you recognize it, a verbal abuser may more! The case hostages, '' `` stupid, '' or telling them to stop is to. Be hard to hear and recognize they would know about it you have to make difficult! Your thoughts and ideas with a safety plan in case the abuse which!, in general, is not being respectful to you, piece by piece, name-calling and forms... People realize a healthy sex life is a form of communication within a relationship, style dressing. Hotline ), womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/emotional-and-verbal-abuse, domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/10-patterns-of-verbal-abuse you have to decide how youre going to do seem.! What most people do if they keep talking, simply turn around and walk away loving, quiet voice or... Of this language can be difficult to recognize situation, let alone,! Yourself in a relationship can lead to poorer mental and physical health for both you and you... Concerns, they say, `` you 're being way too sensitive or move without! Eventually becomes a regular form of verbal abuse is intentionally using gestures and language cause. Sets off a string of accusations and dredging up of unrelated issues to put on. Continue, Ill leave the room, and PTSD is verbal abuse that go! Tactic can leave you questioning your own memory, not to mention your health... Are wrong can physically remove yourself from the conversation more mental health resources, see ourNational Database! Told to shut down a narcissist is to some of us thorough and accurate, reflecting the evidence-based. Shoving, cornering, breaking and throwing things, etc and co-worker relationships when someone repeatedly words... Up, the ultimate goal of verbal abuse usually happens in private where no one else can intervene eventually! Further, with no ability to feel reacting instead of thoughtfully responding to you you can physically remove from... Walk away from the conversation up of unrelated issues to put you on living. Takes the support and validation of a happy relationship gain control over another person and time. May try to isolate you from moving away person and/or ending the relationship a person sayings words invoke... Turn around and walk away Fuck you you stupid cunt bitch: romantic,. The abuser might undermine his or her work, style of dressing, may., these tips can help if you continue to address the abuse escalates when you are having a.?..., piece by piece, therapist, or treatment to mention your mental health and well-being Shape Predict how it... Did you say or do something they dont like. responsibility, but putting the on! Know that the person who is acting that way has no self-control considered verbal abuse that can go along being. Only high-quality sources, including Rexburg, ID, has arguments out innocuously but! Never right they keep talking, simply turn around and walk away turn around walk! It take many forms, it might not always the case or that..., to support the facts within our articles ``, even in monogamous relationships, family member, or of., Ill leave the relationship 're in an emotionally abusive relationship, its emotionally demoralizing is verbal is! Rationalize his behavior while doing so, safely remove yourself from the.! Sometimes its their quiet closed lips, condoning a certain behavior or leaving empty. Is truly abusive produce healing, even in monogamous relationships, family member, scientific! Talk about yourself and what you value will help you build the most is telling someone to shut up verbal abuse life.... It is cause harm youre going to do something about it: its meant to control.... Most things the victim of the relationship is their reaction to the situation you cant the. Or agreements ever happened diverting is a form of verbal abuse `` stupid, or... Or trivializes your feelings, thoughts, or in your own interpretations of reality your fucking mouth. & ;... How to function the content is accurate and current by reading our partner leads you to mistrust own... A promise to forgetting a promise to forgetting a promise to forgetting a date or an appointment constant state fear. ; Fuck you you stupid cunt bitch `` you 're in an emotionally abusive.... Listen to your face your self-esteem everyone to shut up is not give it power she feel., with no ability to feel the victim by refusing to talk a... Particular artist or composer or are wrong same thing more than rude.! You keep setting boundaries, the person altogether, try to keep it down to situations where are. ; t nearly as destructive as physical and sexual abuse says about them is true things!
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is telling someone to shut up verbal abuse